Forgiveness is Therapeutic. Forgiving Heals the Soul

To Err Is Human…to Forgive Is Divine!

The problem and the quest

We live in a society, where we constantly encounter hundreds of situations we do not like, which may vary from something as small as someone stubbing our toe accidentally and unintentionally to having a disagreement with our partner every day till we decide to get separated and move on. Whenever we are prevented from fulfilling our wishes, or forced into a situation we dislike – in short, whenever we have to put up with something we would rather avoid – our uncontrolled mind reacts by immediately feeling unhappy. This uncomfortable feeling can easily turn into anger, and we become even more disturbed than before. However, try as we might, we cannot prevent unpleasant things happening to us. We cannot promise that for the rest of the day nothing bad will happen to us; we cannot even promise that we shall be alive to see the end of the day. In this world, we are not always in control of what happens to us.

Some people start to blame everyone around them as soon as anything bad happens. While the habit of blaming others is very common still there is no one common reason behind it but instead, there are many different reasons that could make a person blame others. But blaming circumstance is one thing. Blaming people, especially those close to us, when things don’t go well is another. And it and can have a severely damaging effect on our relationships, families, and career. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

We are all flawed human beings. In relationships, mistakes happen. They often lead to disagreement, strife, sorrow, or a sense of betrayal. These traumatic experiences of being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance. Many people hold grudges, deep ones, that can last a lifetime. Many are unable to let go of the anger they feel towards those who “wronged” them in the past, even though they may have a strong desire and put in a concerted effort to do so.

Often, we hold onto our grudges unwillingly, while wishing we could drop them and live freshly in the present, without the injustices of the past occupying so much psychic space. Why do we hold grudges when they are in fact quite painful to maintain, and often seem to work against what we really want? Why do we keep wounds open and active, living in past experiences of pain which prevent new experiences from being able to happen? What keeps us stuck when we want to move on and let go? Most important, how can we let go? Let us seek answers to all these questions.

Why Forgiveness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can choose to hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Though you may think of God as the final dispenser of forgiveness, you and I have the power to forgive as well. Doing so can help us avoid bitterness and resentment and often will salvage a relationship.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings an improved health and peace of mind that helps you go on with life. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. Let us see how forgiveness can help take responsibility for caring about our own suffering and heal our lives in the most amazing ways possible.

Forgiveness is for our own growth and happiness. When we hold on to hurt, pain, resentment, and anger it harms us far more than it harms the offender.

The act of forgiveness frees us to live in the present and allows us to move on without anger or contempt or seeking revenge.

As Confucius said about revenge, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

This applies as much to the spirit of anger behind the desire for revenge as much as to revenge itself. Envision a chain around your neck, held by the one who wronged you. Until you can forgive, you won’t break that chain and the person will still have an unhealthy hold on you. Forgiveness clears the cobwebs so that you can see the good again. 

When you forgive you will be able to see all the positive qualities in the person who hurt you—qualities that you loved once—and allows you to accept him or her fully, and have a chance at a long-lasting, healthy relationship. By forgiving others, we free ourselves spiritually and emotionally. Forgiveness is an act of our own personal will, trusting God to bring emotional healing.

Whom to forgive

How can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgivable? All that's really required is that we make the decision to move forward, to let go of the old hurts. We don't have to condone what's been done. What's wrong is still wrong. We don't have to invite the person back into our lives or even be friends with them. What we do have to do is allow ourselves to release all the negative emotions associated with that person.

The ground rule to forgiveness is to take your time to process your anger and hurt. Do not rush.

The first person you probably have not forgiven is yourself. More people have a lack of forgiveness toward themselves than toward anybody else. We are unwilling to forgive ourselves as many a time we blame ourselves for our contribution to the wrong that has happened.

You must get rid of resentment, especially toward those closest to you. The husbands, the wives, the children, and the parents - all must be forgiven when slights and resentments have built up in family situations.

If someone very close to you needs to be forgiven, talk to the person, tell him or her how you have felt in past because of his or her behaviour, but since you value that person and the relationship, you chose not to hold on to the feeling of anger and resentment, but to reconcile. Explain that you are choosing to forgive and let go of the emotional pain that both of you might be bearing unknowingly.

You can talk to a close friend or life coach or mentor about your thoughts and your intent of forgiveness, or write it out in a journal.

Be sure you understand your feelings and express them. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. As difficult as this may be, trying to understand why he or she harmed you and your relationship is very important.

If the hurt took place in a past relationship and you can’t seem to get out from under the anger, resentment, or heartache that it caused, practice internal forgiveness.

Finally, there has to be forgiveness for anybody else who has ever done anything against you. It may be that your resentment is justified. The person may have done a very evil, terrible thing to you. You may have every legal and intellectual right to hold a grudge and to hate that person. But if you want to see miracles in your life, it is imperative that you forgive.

The next level of forgiveness is to forget and let go

We've all heard the saying "forgive and forget" which is a great philosophy that applies to most situations in life. However, there are times when the "forget" part might not be the best thing for us. You can forgive but you don't always have to forget. We should be strong with our personal boundaries and we must be willing to face the truth about people and their behaviour--even our own!

If forgetting means that we are not being honest about our feelings or that we're letting others take advantage of us then it is not healthy. Sometimes the best thing we can do is remember. So how do we remember and remain compassionate while keeping healthy boundaries? By understanding that compassion must first be placed upon ourselves. If we are continually putting compassion out but forgetting to respect ourselves we are asking for trouble.

Self-reflection, the law of Karma and Forgiveness

This is when we get into, "Why do bad things happen to me? I am a good person!" But if we compassionately looked at ourselves and told someone who was hurting us, "No, you cannot treat me this way. I need to separate from you" then that is actually the most compassionate thing we could do for that person as well as us.

People need to know the effects of their deeds or Karma. This helps us take responsibility for our lives and release the need to blame others for our troubles. You can now realize how can you make your life happy and peaceful. Still, we will have people in our lives who would wrong us in some ways. Let us take it as an opportunity to revisit our own karma, learn the lesson, forgive and forget. 

To feel free, happy and satisfied, we need to constantly forgive and forget; not just to extend our love to everyone, even the people who hurt us, but also to show our love to ourselves.

“It is in forgiving that we are forgiven, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.” – Saint Francis of Asisi

According to great spiritual teachers including Master Choa Kok Sui, two things bind souls together: love and hatred.

By loving a person deeply, there are higher chances of meeting and being with the beloved soul in the future incarnations. These are the people that we love and feel comfortable and connected with even from the first few moments of being together.

The sad news is that “hatred” also binds souls together as there is a lesson in the relationship to be learned. The lesson is that of love, kindness, mercy, empathy and compassion!

Therefore, the relationship between the two souls who hate each other often gets closer and closer, to teach them to love one another.

“Anger and Hatred bind people together! When you Hate someone, it creates an “Energy Link” with the person. You become chained to the person and your Soul becomes entangled with that person. If you want to be free, you must Forgive people.” – Master Choa Kok Sui

The good news, on the other hand, is that to break this cycle, forgiveness of one person is enough!

So, to avoid being with the people that seem to be a pain in the neck to us, we need to forgive them, forget the unpleasant event and let go. We can keep on blessing them with love while keeping our distance from them.

Practicing Forgiveness

1. The Virtue of Loving Kindness and Non-Injury: In any relationship, the closer two people get, more are the chances of friction. The lubricant for this is love in thoughts, words and actions. As we practice a high degree of loving kindness, we can transform the relationship. When we practice non-injury, our tendencies to become angry or to lose patience are gradually eliminated. When external circumstances and people can no longer stir up our emotions, we can truly be peaceful and healthy. 

Loving-kindness and non-injury need to be practiced towards self too. Whereas it is important to be aware of our shortcomings, excessive remorse and guilt need to be avoided since we tend to become what we meditate on. If we do not love ourselves, it is not possible to love others. Hence, it is extremely essential to practice Inner Reflection and other self-purification techniques to eliminate these weaknesses.

2. Blessing: One of the simplest ways of improving or healing a relationship is by blessing. First, we make a list of the people who have hurt us or who we do not share a good relationship with. One by one, we need to bless these people or pray to God for blessing them with all the qualities which they may require like love, peace, compassion, physical and emotional healing, prosperity and abundance, and spiritual development.

3. Affirmation for Forgiveness: This technique is taught by Grand Master Choa Kok Sui and is extremely powerful tool for forgiveness. Begin by visualizing the person in front of you. Then you may silently say:

“I respect the Divinity within you! You are forgiven. The Matter is forgotten. God’s love be with you. May God’s peace be with you. Go in peace.”

This needs to be repeated multiple times till the feeling of hatred and anger is completely dissipated. 

Do note that we need to first forgive other people before we ask for forgiveness from others.

4. Meditation: Practicing Meditation (like the Meditation on Twin Hearts as taught by Grand Master Choa Kok Sui ) is one of the simplest and most effective ways of leading a balanced life. By practicing meditation regularly, one’s inner negative thoughts and emotions are transmuted to higher energies of love, joy and peace. Before we replace the qualities of hatred, sorrow and anger with love, joy and peace on the earth, these energies first pass through us. Thus, the world within us is transformed before we try to transform the world outside.

5. The Golden Rule: The Golden Rule is the tool to create our future. It has two sides – yang and yin; active and passive. The Yang Golden Rule states that we should do to others what we want them to do to us. If we want others to love and respect us, we need to love and respect them. The Yin Golden Rule states that we must avoid doing to others what we do not want them to do to us. If we do not want others to be harsh or excessively criticize us, we must avoid cruelty and harshness, and refrain from excessive mental criticism.

So, to put this into proper context: none of us are perfect, and we have all made mistakes and have done dumb things. If you want to be forgiven for your own actions, then the smart thing is to first forgive others. The Golden Rule is simple in its meaning, yet profound in its application. Before any thought, speech or action that we produce, if we just think about the Golden Rule and proceed accordingly, our lives will be transformed.

Though these techniques sound very simple, they are extremely potent. Let us put these into practice immediately. May we forgive ourselves and others completely so there comes a day when there is no need to forgive anymore; because ‘to Err Is Human…to Forgive Is Divine’.

The conclusion

Anger and resentment burn us from inside. They not only keep peace away from us but also affect our health. The energy that we generate from all the anger and resentment is very dirty and this negative energy can affect physical, mental and emotional well-being. In the long run, accumulation of this negativity may bring in dissatisfaction, sadness, and depression. It is like carrying a huge load on our back. 

Also, if we cannot forgive, we cannot expect forgiveness from others and we keep being the object of resentment and anger of the people we have done wrong to. To receive forgiveness, we need to learn to forgive first. We need to give what we want to receive. It is as Master says that "By Forgiving and Blessing, you stop wallowing in mud and you achieve Inner Peace and Freedom" . 

Let’s not forget, “Forgiveness is Therapeutic. Forgiving Heals the Soul.”