Stop playing the victim card

“The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.” - Steve Maraboli

All of us have felt victimized at some point or another in our lives. At these times we may feel taken advantage of, wronged by another person and/or circumstance, or that life is simply just unfair. The victim stance is a powerful one—the victim believes he or she is always morally right, is not responsible or accountable for their actions, and is entitled to sympathy from others.

  

Individuals with a victim mentality feel that others are generally luckier or happier then they themselves are. They blame others or institutions for their misfortunes, ascribe unfounded negative intentions to other people, and may even experience pleasure derived from feeling sorry for themselves. They are self-abasing by putting themselves down due to underlying low self-esteem, inadequacy, and depression. Chronic negative self-evaluations produce feelings of hopelessness and helplessness--a vicious cycle that perpetuates and underlies the victim mentality.

Put succinctly, a person demonstrates a victim mindset when he or she views negative outcomes as being caused by the situation or another person, anything other than themselves. Furthermore, this mindset is not something that only shows up with average performers. I have also seen individuals, who have been identified as high performers, succumb to the victim mindset to create an opportunity.

Now that we all know who “victims” are —let us dig deep into the subject and understand what the feeling of victimization really is, where it comes from and how it affects people, you will discover that it is even more widespread and debilitating than you might think.

What is Victim Mindset

Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.

Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel. In the eyes of a victim, everyone else and everything else is to blame for anything negative event that happens in the beholder's life.

Someone with a victim mindset will commonly expect the worst possible outcomes; all of the time! Victims crave the sympathy of other people and will seldom take responsibility for their negative attitudes, actions and behaviours.

When people embrace this victim approach towards life, they are not in control of their environments, their actions and their emotional immaturity - but are governed by the destructive patterns of thinking that flow through their minds.

At some point in life, we are all victimized. Whether as children, teenagers, or adults, we all suffer emotional, physical, or psychological abuse to varying degrees. While it’s important that we come to terms with what has happened to us, and that we have indeed been victimized, we cannot move on with our lives unless we step out of the victim role and into the survivor role.

Having a victim mentality goes far beyond the experience of being victimized. When we carry a victim mentality, we are basically filtering our entire existence through a narrow mental lens that we have adopted as our primary way of perceiving the world.

How self-victimization develops

No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born clinically depressed or anxious. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.

Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether that be through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse. Self-victimization can also develop through co-dependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting the unhealthy victim mentality exhibited by one or more of our family members. However, although what happens to us as children is completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and reclaim responsibility for our happiness.

The primary source of feeling like a victim is the feeling of powerlessness, and because we don’t like feeling that we are powerless, we tend to blame someone or something for causing that feeling. So we feel that we are a victim of circumstances or other people’s actions and that we can’t do anything about it. Being a victim is experiencing yourself at the effect of something outside yourself.

Thus the single most important belief responsible for the feeling of victimization is I’m powerless. Other beliefs that could underlie this feeling include: I’ll never get what I want, People can’t be trusted and Life is difficult.

Ultimately, individuals may maintain a victim mentality because they are afraid of taking responsibility for their own wants and desires and they have a fear of failure. They unconsciously believe they are not deserving of having good things in their life.

Victim mindset – Natural/genetic or learned/circumstantial behaviour?

It is possible to change the victim mentality since it is a learned behavior that usually begins in early childhood and learned behaviors can be unlearned. Young children are helpless and vulnerable and they rely on their family for daily support. Some young children only receive positive reinforcement and emotional support when they elicit sympathy from distant caregivers. In these cases, having a victim mentality is reinforced because it is successful. However, in the long term being a victim takes away our individual power and potential.

Transitioning from a victim mentality to a "taking back control" mentality requires understanding and examining the underlying psychological issues contributing to the victim mentality in the first place. Research studying the psychology of victimhood suggests that individuals with a victim mentality have difficulty expressing and processing negative emotions, such as anger, fear, and disappointment as well as difficulty with taking responsibility for their desires and actions. This results in feeling hopelessness and helplessness-an all too familiar feeling for individuals struggling with the victim mentality.

Effective psychotherapy and other treatments focus on helping individuals become aware of what they are doing that actually sustains their inability to take control of their life and helps them to see situations and relationships from many perspectives in order to expand their options for problem solving thereby decreasing feelings of powerlessness. Treatment also focuses on empowering individuals to take responsibility for their own desires and long-term actions and ultimately to feel deserving of all the good life has to offer them.

Perks of playing a victim

Playing the victim actually has a number of juicy perks. These rewards make it very difficult to break out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem to be so emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.

Some of the perks include the following:

·         Not having to take responsibility for anything

·         Other people lavishing you with attention

·         Other people feeling sorry for you

·         Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you

·         You have the “right” to complain

·         You’re more likely to get what you want out of sympathy

·         You feel it is interesting because to tell people all of your stories

·         You don’t have to feel bored because there’s too much drama going on in your life

·         You avoid and bypass other major emotions because you’re too busy feeling sad

Playing the victim actually gives power to avoid responsibility, power to feel “righteously” sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people.

Why Feeling Victimized Is So Debilitating

The reason feeling victimized is so debilitating is that it undermines your ability to do anything about your situation. If you are having difficulties in any area of your life, such as health, relationships or money, and you experience yourself as powerful and in control of your life, you can devise a strategy to improve your situation. And if one solution doesn’t work, you can learn from your experience and try again.

But if you have a victim mentality — in other words, if you feel powerless to affect your circumstances — you are likely to feel that the world is “doing it” to you and that there is nothing you can do about it.

That’s why this is one of the most devastating problems you can have: If you have any other problem but see yourself as responsible for your situation, you have the ability to look for and implement a solution. If you have the problem of feeling victimized by life or other people, you are less likely to look for and implement a solution because you feel you can’t do anything about your situation.

Do you have this victim mindset

Are you, or is someone you love, playing the victim? Here are some common signs to look out for:

·         You’re constantly blaming other people or situations for feeling miserable

·         You possess a “life is against me” philosophy

·         You’re cynical or pessimistic

·         You see your problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion

·         You think others are purposely trying to hurt you

·         You believe you’re the only one being targeted for mistreatment

·         You keep reliving past painful memories that made you feel like a victim

·         Even when things go right, you find something to complain about

·         You refuse to consider other perspectives when talking about your problems

·         You feel powerless and unable to cope effectively with a problem or life in general

·         You feel attacked when you’re given constructive criticism

·         You believe you’re not responsible for what happens in your life (others are)

·         You believe that everyone is “better off” than you

·         You seem to enjoy feeling sorry for yourself

·         You believe that the world is a scary, mostly bad, place

·         You enjoy sharing your tragic stories with other people

·         You have a habit of accusing and attacking those you love for how you feel

·         You feel powerless to change your circumstances

·         You expect to gain sympathy from others, and when you don’t get it, you feel upset

·         You refuse to analyze yourself or improve your life

·         You tend to “one-up” people when it comes to sharing traumatic experiences

·         You’re constantly putting yourself down

So if you are a victim or know someone else who is, what can you do to help yourself or the other person? Fortunately, the source of this problem is similar to the source of almost every other problem: your beliefs. Reality and other people are not causing you to feel like a victim; your beliefs are. Get rid of the beliefs that cause the problem, and the feeling of victimization will disappear for good. Let us talk about a few practical steps that you can take to solve this problem in your life.

What can you do about it?

If you’re reading this blog-post, you suspect that you might be clinging to a victim mentality, here are some tips that can help you step out of this toxic role. Always remember:

Self-pity is spiritual suicide. It is an indefensible self-mutilation of the soul.” ― Anthon St. Maarten

See yourself as a survivor

A victim argues with life, a survivor embraces it. A victim dwells in the past, a survivor lives in the present. A victim believes they’re helpless, a survivor takes back control over their life. Although the victim mentality is addictive, the survivor mentality is much more empowering in the long term. Once you start seeing yourself as a survivor, you’ll begin to feel better about life and you’ll attract other people for the right reasons.

Be kind and compassionate towards yourself

In other words, be careful about becoming a victim of being a victim! This role isn’t something you choose: you developed it as a result of childhood conditioning. Be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. Explore your core beliefs that compound your victim identity, and replace self-loathing with self-compassion. If you’re struggling to get past the victim role, practice self-care by seeing a therapist.

Consider psychotherapy to develop a healthier self-concept. Developing a healthier self-concept will help to decrease feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and help you to live a fuller, more satisfying, and genuine life.

Shift your focus from loving yourself to loving others

When we play the victim we tend to be solely focused on ourselves. Get yourself out of your head by doing something nice for another person you love. Realizing that you can feel good without manipulating another person is an important way to cut the addiction the self-victimization. This simple trick can help you learn to take more self-responsibility for your happiness.

Affirm self-responsibility

Be honest with yourself and examine what you may be doing that unintentionally places you in the victim role. Start to notice all the ways you bypass responsibility. You might like to use an affirmation such as “I am responsible for my life” or “I am empowered to create change” to help you reprogram this unconscious need to play the victim.

Explore your mistaken beliefs

All suffering originates in beliefs that go unquestioned and unexamined in our minds. Rigid, mistaken and concretized beliefs create anxiety, depression, anger, and blame. When we attach to these thoughts, we suffer. You will probably be stunned by how many types of mistaken beliefs you have unknowingly adopted! Be conscious and corrective towards these beliefs which does not let you live a peaceful life.

Remember that you don’t need to believe the thoughts in your head: thoughts are simply fluctuations of energy that we assign meaning to. Practicing meditation can help you notice how transient thoughts are.

Develop Your 'Faith' Muscle

The opposite of fear is faith. All fear bases itself upon the 'worst case scenario' expectations we have of the outcomes that we 'may or may not' experience in the future. Faith merely works in the opposite direction.

Faith and action go hand in hand. In the same way, fear and disempowerment go hand in hand. From this day forward, exercise your faith muscle and practice taking action in 'faith' of the best possible outcomes happening, instead of being fearful of the worst.

Practice being thankful

Gratitude and thankfulness are simple but powerful ways to remind yourself that life is not as miserable as you perceive it to be. Each day, try to find ten things that you’re thankful for. You might like to keep a gratitude journal in which you write these ten things down, or simply name them mentally. Try to feel sincerely thankful for having these things. Your focus will gradually shift from blaming to being grateful. Consequently the quality of your life gets better.

Develop a growth mindset

The main reason why people give up on their passions in life is that they believe reaching their goals and aspirations is beyond their physical ability. The good news here is that all people can do all things, all of the time.

If you have a vision for your future that you are uncertain about how to fulfil, then develop yourself, learn a new skill, improve a current one and increase your value as a person. In life, our abilities aren't static, but instead, are flexible with the capacity of being expanded. Having an attitude to learn new things empowers you and you come out of victim mindset.

Be Goal oriented

Make a list of your desires and goals. Writing your goals and desires down is the first step towards taking ownership of your life. You have your own purpose and life destiny to fulfill. Others do not have a right to interfere with that process. It's your journey and yours alone.

Choose one goal and create a plan for achieving it. Allowing yourself the opportunity to take risks in order to achieve your goal is one way to not be a victim.

Ditch the excuses

It’s easy to make excuses for why we won't pursue our hopes, visions and goals aside. We make lame excuses such as: 'there’s not enough time', 'I don’t have enough money', 'I am not allowed to', 'I’m too busy', etc. Many people hide behind their excuses as being valid reasons why they choose not to commit to the things they're passionate about.

The problem with excuses is that they get us nowhere. So remember that the next time an excuse passes through your mind – remember every decision is your choice which leads to action or inaction. No one else will fulfil your goals for you because no one else cares enough to, they're all out there pursuing their own - so you might as well do the same!

Embrace failure as a powerful teacher

You will fail multiple times in your life. Failure is the most unavoidable part of the evolutionary process. Anyone who accomplished anything significant in life will understand the importance of failing well. Failure offers us the crucial insights we need to correct the ineffective ways that we approach our problems. There is no better lesson we can learn in life than those which stem from failure.

Failure is one of the most exceptional teachers we will ever have, and there is nothing in the world that will develop our resilience better than the burn that comes from failure or rejection.

The good news is that if we use failure and rejection as valuable lessons to learn from, we can adapt and adjust our strategy. Don’t let failures take an upper hand on you so that you start feeling low and give yourself more chances of feeling victimized.

From Victim mindset to A Victor mindset

If you are not in control of your life, then you're deliberately giving chance to others to control your life.  You feel lack of power and crippled. The feeling of being handicap pushes your more towards a victim mindset. The victor, with his in-the-control attitude, focuses on the positive and systematic pursuit of consistent short- and long-term goals.

So, where do you start in order to stop being the victim? Start by becoming aware of your personal, internal dialog: the silent conversation all of us have inside our head every day. Then comes categorization. Which of your thoughts are positive? Which are negative? If you've never kept track before, do so now, and I think you’ll be surprised at how often you're concerned about the dark side of life and overlook the bright and shiny.

If you choose to positively influence your thoughts and reinforce the behavior of a victor, you are progressing, not regressing in life.

We can be aided in this analysis by another metaphor. Let’s think of your thoughts as involving hardware and software. The hardware is, of course, your brain. The software is what you run through your brain in the form of conscious and unconscious thoughts. This software runs thousands of thoughts through our brain each day, 90% of which come from the past — for one with a classic victim mindset, probably even more.

By managing your internal dialog, you can stay motivated and guarantee that bright and shiny life outcome. If you don’t manage your internal dialogue, you almost guarantee a lack of motivation and achievement. Controlling your mind and thought can be challenging but with practice, I am sure you will perfect it. In fact, you have to master the art, or else living a happy and fulfilling and enriching life stays a distant dream.

In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl survived the Nazi death camps in Auschwitz, Germany. While many people might call him a victim of circumstance, Frankl defined freedom in a very intriguing way, "To choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, is to choose one's way in life." Frankl also suggested,

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Victor Frankl